The
Acadumby Awards, better known as the Oscars, is one of the stupidest,
phoniest, cheesiest, and most ridiculous annual events (of any kind) in
the world - that much we know. However, what very few of you do know is
that every year Hollywood honours actresses with the obscure but to me
most prestigious award of them all - the Best Tits Oscar.
I
am quite pleased (and a little proud too I have to admit) to inform you
that I have been the Chairman of this award ceremony since its
inception in 1968. That year, Hollywood realized that decadence had
finally hit the big screens to the extent where there were enough boobs
to validate the existence of such an award. Until then, bare tits were
rarely seen in films, due to heavy censorship laws, the fact that there
were less sluts in show-biz, and because the Kremlin-pushed hippie revolution hadn't
yet happened i.e. brought about a general lowering of standards.
Very importantly, the breastal winners aren't
decided by the usual 5,000 morons who infest Tinseltown and vote for
those idiotic regular Oscars. As a result, factors such as political
orientation, nepotism, and pat-on-the-back favouritism do not influence
the outcome in any way. As Chairman of these awards, I personally
handpick the 5,000 voters, and I can assure you that they are all male
and straight. There's none of that nonsense of gays and women deciding
what does or doesn't constitute a beautiful female body, as is the case
with Hollywood and the fashion world these days (which is why we have
increasingly ugly women celebs such as Jennifer Aniston - who has very
shit tits, as well, I might add).
How did I pick the 5,000 voters? I'd decided that the best men for the job are chronic masturbators.
RULES:
Documentaries, movie shorts, music clips, and porn are not eligible. Silicone implants are banned from competing,
so you won't be seeing
any of those; breast implants are a form of cheating, but more
importantly they're extremely ugly. All nominees get their breasts
hand-tested, in cases where
it's not 100% sure whether their tits are real or not. Asking them
whether their boobs are fake isn't enough since, as we all know,
actresses tend to lie a lot - and not just on casting couches.
LAYOUT: Each
year shows ALL the outstanding tits. Actresses with average or shitty tits are not included, no matter how famous they may be. FIVE of these are selected to be actual
nominees, just like with the regular shitty Oscars. The winner and the
other four nominees are all marked with bold orange lettering. For those of you who still don't get it: these 5 are
the best of the year. All the candidates - nominees and non-nominees - aren't
listed in any particular order, except the winner who is shown at the end of each year's
list.
So
now that you know who picked the winners and what the criteria are,
check out the lucky gals who got to carry home these prestigious awards
for showing their great tits to the general public.
A more primitive version of the Best Tits Oscar list had first been posted by me in 2009.
Oscars For Best Tits: 1968-1969
1968.
 |
| Karla Conway in "Space Thing" |
 |
| Mercy Rooney in "Space Thing" |
 |
| Vicki Carbe in "A Sweet Sickness" |
 |
| Sharon Wells in "A Sweet Sickness" |
 |
| Vincene Wallace in "A Sweet Sickness" |
 |
| Pat Barrington in "Mantis In Lace" (bottom pic) + "The Acid Eaters" (above) |
 |
| Lena Nyman in "I Am Curious About Fucking (Blue)" |
 |
| Margareta Sjodin in "Lejonsommar" |
 |
| Tracey Yorke & Gilly Grant in "The Big Switch" |
 |
| Marsha Jordan in "Suburban Pagans" |
 |
| Olivia Hussey in "Romeo And Juliet" & Maxine King in "The Big Switch" |
And The Winner Of The First Best Tits Oscar Is...
 |
| Carla Peterson for "Suburban Pagans" (b&w) + "Space Thing" (c) |
Acceptance Speech: "First
of all, I wanna say how thrilled and honoured I am to have my boobs
honoured this way. It is an honour to be voted for by so many honourable
men in the honourable Academy of Arts & Sciences & Amazing Tits,
and I wanna dedicate this honourable award to all of them, but even
more so to my honourable fans, and all the wet posters of me they keep
next to their beds, and I gotta also thank the people who made and sold
those posters and of course the honourable trees that provided the paper, them too. And I hope to win again!"
1969.
 |
| Glenda Jackson in "Women In Love" & Dominique Sanda in "Une Femme Douce" |
 |
| Laura Antonelli in "Venus In Fur" |
 |
| Deirdre Nelson in "The Secret Sex Lives of Romeo and Juliet" |
 |
| Mickey Jines in "The Secret Sex Lives of Romeo and Juliet" |
 |
| Vincene Wallace in "The Secret Sex Lives of Romeo and Juliet" |
 |
| Bonnie Bedelia in "Then Came Bronson" & Milja Vujanovic in "Rani Radovi" |
 |
| Helen Mirren in "Age of Consent" |
And The Winners Are...
 |
| The Collinson Twins for "Some Like It Sexy" |
Acceptance Speech:
"Wow, we're like both so honoured and stuff to lift the first Best
Tits award as twins! We've been working all our lives for this moment,
you know,
since we were 11 we dreamed of titillating male audiences, and the fact
that 4 boobs won this award the first time around instead of the usual 2
only makes it even more special. For those who don't understand, we're
twins i.e. there are two of us hence 4 boobs winning. We know our
parents are gonna be proud, as all parents of sleazy startlets must be!
See ya next year, and perhaps we'll get nominated again coz we got so
many smutty pictures lined up for shooting!"
Best Tits Oscars 1970-1974:
Best Comic-Book Illustrators:
Best Tits Oscars 1967:
Have You Ever Done An I.Q. Test?
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