Saturday 5 March 2016

Oscars For Best Tits: 2013

The Acadumby Awards, better known as the Oscars, is one of the stupidest, phoniest, cheesiest, and most ridiculous annual events (of any kind) in the world - that much we know. However, what very few of you do know is that every year Hollywood honours actresses with the obscure but to me most prestigious award of them all - the Best Tits Oscar.

I am quite pleased (and a little proud too I have to admit) to inform you that I have been the Chairman of this award ceremony since its inception in 1968. That year, Hollywood realized that decadence had finally hit the big screens to the extent where there were enough boobs to validate the existence of such an award. Until then, bare tits were rarely seen in films, due to heavy censorship laws, the fact that there were less sluts in show-biz, and because the Kremlin-pushed hippie revolution hadn't yet happened i.e. brought about a general lowering of standards.

Very importantly, the breastal winners aren't decided by the usual 5,000 morons who infest Tinseltown and vote for those idiotic regular Oscars. As a result, factors such as political orientation, nepotism, and pat-on-the-back favouritism do not influence the outcome in any way. As Chairman of these awards, I personally handpick the 5,000 voters, and I can assure you that they are all male and straight. There's none of that nonsense of gays and women deciding what does or doesn't constitute a beautiful female body, as is the case with Hollywood and the fashion world these days (which is why we have increasingly ugly women celebs such as Jennifer Aniston - who has very shit tits, as well, I might add).

How did I pick the 5,000 voters? I'd decided that the best men for the job are chronic masturbators.

RULES: Documentaries, movie shorts, music clips, and porn are not eligible. Silicone implants are banned from competing, so you won't be seeing any of those; breast implants are a form of cheating, but more importantly they're extremely ugly. All nominees get their breasts hand-tested, in cases where it's not 100% sure whether their tits are real or not. Asking them whether their boobs are fake isn't enough since, as we all know, actresses tend to lie a lot - and not just on casting couches.

LAYOUT: Each year shows ALL the outstanding tits. Actresses with average or shitty tits are not included, no matter how famous they may be. FIVE of these are selected to be actual nominees, just like with the regular shitty Oscars. The winner and the other four nominees are all marked with bold orange lettering. For those of you who still don't get it: these 5 are the best of the year. All the candidates - nominees and non-nominees - aren't listed in any particular order, except the winner who is shown at the end of each year's list.

So now that you know who picked the winners and what the criteria are, check out the lucky gals who got to carry home these prestigious awards for showing their great tits to the general public.

A more primitive version of the Best Tits Oscar list had first been posted by me in 2009.




Oscars For Best Tits: 2013



Claudia Helene Hinterecker in "Polizeiruf 110"

Erin R Ryan in "Bath Salt Zombies"

Bella Dementia in "Bath Salt Zombies"

Lea Seydoux in "La vie d'Adele"

Thandie Newton in "Rogue"

Marion Duval in "L'amour est un crime parfait"

Marine Vacth in "Jeune et jolie"

Elena Satine in "Magic City"

Tereza Vitu in "Bez doteku"

Anna Friel in "The Look of Love"

Betty Gilpin in "Nurse Jackie"

Amanda Seyfried in "Lovelace" & Emily Piggford in "Hemlock Grove"

Meghan Falcone in "Californication"

Jemima Kirke in "Girls"

Salome Stevenin in "Les Dames: Dame de trefle"

Gwendoline Taylor in "Spartacus: War of the Damned"

Margarethe von Stern in "Help Me I Am Dead - Die Geschichte der Anderen"

Friederike Becht in "Verbrechen: Summertime"

Paz de la Huerta in "Nurse 3-D" & Nelli Blinova in "Intimnye mesta"

Victoria Vertuga in "Dexter" & Kierston Wareing in "The Fall of the Essex Boys"

Gaite Jansen in "Hoe duur was de suiken" (ho, indeed) & May Lindstrom in "Her"

Alissa Dean in "Californication"

Ekaterina Osotova in "Intimnye mesta" & Jella Haase in "Puppe"

Pamela Flores in "La danza de la realidad" & Katia Klein in "Cuentame"

Hannah Hughes in "V/H/S/ 2" & Natalie Hall in "+1"

Cathy Cliften in "Movie 43"

Leslea Fisher in "Banshee" & Cherina Monteniques Scott in "Movie 43"

Manuela Martelli in "Il Futuro"


And the proud winner of the Best Tits Oscar Is...

Helen Rogers for "24 Exposures"





Birds On Asses: 



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