Sunday 6 March 2016

Oscars For Best Tits: 1975-1979

The Acadumby Awards, better known as the Oscars, is one of the stupidest, phoniest, cheesiest, and most ridiculous annual events (of any kind) in the world - that much we know. However, what very few of you do know is that every year Hollywood honours actresses with the obscure but to me most prestigious award of them all - the Best Tits Oscar.

I am quite pleased (and a little proud too I have to admit) to inform you that I have been the Chairman of this award ceremony since its inception in 1968. That year, Hollywood realized that decadence had finally hit the big screens to the extent where there were enough boobs to validate the existence of such an award. Until then, bare tits were rarely seen in films, due to heavy censorship laws, the fact that there were less sluts in show-biz, and because the Kremlin-pushed hippie revolution hadn't yet happened i.e. brought about a general lowering of standards.

Very importantly, the breastal winners aren't decided by the usual 5,000 buffoons who infest Tinseltown and vote for those idiotic regular Oscars. As a result, factors such as political orientation, nepotism, and pat-on-the-back favouritism do not influence the outcome in any way. As Chairman of these awards, I personally handpick the 5,000 voters, and I can assure you that they are all male and straight. There's none of that nonsense of gays and women deciding what does or doesn't constitute a beautiful female body, as is the case with Hollywood and the fashion world these days (which is why we have increasingly ugly women celebs such as Jennifer Aniston - who has very shit tits, as well, I might add).

How did I pick the 5,000 voters? I'd decided that the best men for the job are chronic masturbators.

RULES: Documentaries, movie shorts, music clips, and porn are not eligible. Silicone implants are banned from competing, so you won't be seeing any of those; breast implants are a form of cheating, but more importantly they're extremely ugly. All nominees get their breasts hand-tested, in cases where it's not 100% sure whether their tits are real or not. Asking them whether their boobs are fake isn't enough since, as we all know, actresses tend to lie a lot - and not just on casting couches.

LAYOUT: Each year shows ALL the outstanding tits. Actresses with average or shitty tits are not included, no matter how famous they may be. FIVE of these are selected to be actual nominees, just like with the regular shitty Oscars. The winner and the other four nominees are all marked with bold orange lettering. For those of you who still don't get it: these 5 are the best of the year. All the candidates - nominees and non-nominees - aren't listed in any particular order, except the winner who is shown at the end of each year's list.

So now that you know who picked the winners and what the criteria are, check out the lucky gals who got to carry home these prestigious awards for showing their great tits to the general public.

A more primitive version of the Best Tits Oscar list had first been posted by me in 2009.




Oscars For Best Tits: 1975-1979



1975.

Reda Wyatt & Debbi Morgan in "Mandingo"

Adriana Asti in "Conviene far bene l'amore" & Laura Misch in "Mandingo"

Colleen Camp in "Death Game" & Lynn Lowry in "Shivers"

Luciana Paluzzi in "The Sensuous Nurse" & Agostina Belli in "Conviene far bene l'amore"

Sharon Kelly in "Ilsa of the SS" & Ingrid Steeger in "Klimbim"


Pam Grier in "Bucktown" (upper left) + "Friday Foster"

Jill Damas in "Can You Keep It Up For a Week?"

Barbara Marzano in "The Bloodsucker Leads the Dance", Gloria Guida in "Nei panni du una novizia" (photo), "Il gatto mammone", "Peccati di gioventu" + "Blue Jeans" & Laura Antonelli in "Divina Creatura"

Venicia Day in "Can You Keep It Up For A Week"



And The Best Pair Of Movie Tits This Year Belongs To...

Melanie Griffith for "Night Moves" & "Smile"

Acceptance Speech: "Wow, people, you rock! It's just so cool and stuff to finally win an award! I'm already 18 and I've been thinking how much longer will it finally take these people to recognize my talents and make me, like, walk on the podium and collect a golden trophy and stuff? I made two films with nude stuff in them, just to make sure you guys didn't forget to nominate me. I even begged the "Smile" director to let me do a blow-job scene, but he simply, like, refused and stuff. I guess he doesn't have the sorta artistic vision like Bernardo Bertolucci who always makes his stars do sexual stuff with real genitals and stuff. Although, he did sweat noticably when I said it, ha-ha-ha! Old men are so funny when hot young nepotistic Lolitas turn on the pheromones and talk dirty to them! You shoulda seen his face! Btw, I feel kinda guilty for beating out so many black chicks for this cool award, but I hope this doesn't make me seem less politically correct and stuff. I love black people, really I do. Anyway, thanks to my lion-taming Mom for being a big Hollywood star which meant that she could hand me a movie career on a silver plate in spite of the fact that I, like, talk slowly like a retard and can't act for shit - but hey, these are tits awards! I got great knockers! And I'll never get a boob-job, ever! Those silicone sluts are so dumb."



1976.

Ornella Muti in "La dernierre femme" & Laura Antonelli in "L'Innocente"

Stefania Casini in "1900" & Sonia Braga in "Dona Flor & Her Two Husbands"

Eiko Matsuda in "In The Realm of the Senses" & Edwige Fenech in "La dottoressa del distretto militare" (photo) + "La pretora"

Lynda Carter in "Bobbie Jo & The Outlaw" & Teresa Ann Savoy in "Salon Kitty"


Fiona Lewis & Pam Grier in "Drum"

Candice Rialson in "Hollywood Boulevard" & Florinda Chico in "Cria Cuervos"

Azizi Johari in "The Killing of a Chinese Bookie"

Tara Strohmeier in "Hollywood Boulevard"

Olivia Munday in "Keep It Up Downstairs"

Gila von Weitershausen in "Le souffle au coeur" & Luan Peters in "Not Tonight, Darling"

Ria de Simone in "Sorbole... che romagnola" (left) + "Cuginetta... amore mio" (right)

Uschi Digard in "Fantasm"

 
And The Winner Of This Year's Oscar Is...

Candy Samples for "Fantasm"

Acceptance Speech: "I knew I'd win. I mean, Teresa has those juicy virginal titties, Edwige is hot as ever, and Laura is always there, but no bitch can compete with my huge porn tits. Yes, I usually do porn and I'm proud of it. Nothing can be more honest and true than fucking in front of the camera. Bernardo Bertolucci and some Japanese guy tried to popularize fucking and put it into mainstream recently, and it might just work. These Commies know what's good for us, and there can be nothing better for our children than to watch large penises being thrust into sweaty hairy bushes. Bernardo, this award goes to you, coz I know the next time you make a porn film disguised as art-cinema you will hire me, coz I got the best jugs in the world, and the whole family can come to the cinema to watch me fuck 30 guys in one of your fancy fuck-fest art flicks."



1977.

Melinda Dillon in "Slapshot" & Beverly D'Angelo in "First Love" (photo) + "The Sentinel"

Melanie Griffith in "Joyride" (left and center) + "Ha-Gan" (right)

Carole Bouquet in "That Obscure Object of Desire"

Heather Deeley in "Fiona"

Betty Verges in "The Fruit Is Ripe"

Susan Dey in "First Love" & Dijana Sporcic in "Bestije"

Jenny Agutter in "Equus" & Barbara Bach in "Ecco noi per esempio"

Suzy Mandel in "Come Play With Me" & Svetlana Bojkovic in "Pas Koji Je Voleo Vozove"

Penelope Milford in "Valentino"

Lillian Muller in "Some Like It Cool"

Katia Christine in "Some Like It Cool"

Jeannie Bell in "Some Like It Cool"

Marilyn Joi in "The Happy Hooker Goes To Washington"

Dawn Clark & Bonnie Large in "The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington"

Tara Strohmeier in ""The Kentucky Fried Movie"

Esperanza Joy in "Gusanos de seda"

Eva Garden in "Vanessa" & Candice Rialson in "Chatterbox"

Uschi Digard in "The Kentucky Fried Movie"

Simone Griffeth in "Death Race 2000" & Sylvia Kristel in "Alice Or The Last Escapade"



And The Oscar For Best Jugs Goes To...

Olivia Pascal for "Vanessa"

Acceptance Speech: "There was absolutely no way my puffy nips wouldn't bring me victory, so I knew I would win. Thank you for this award, and I'm just glad that bitch Melanie didn't win again, coz she had two nudie movies this year, and we're all happy her plans were foiled."




1978.

Susan Sarandon in "Pretty Baby" (hallelujah for the Commie slut!)

Helen Shaver (but not shaven) in "In Praise of Older Women"

Jill Clayburgh in "An Unmarried Woman"

Gail Lawrence (Abigail Clayton) in "Bye Bye Monkey"

Barbara Bach in "Force 10 From Navarone" & Minah Bird in "The Stud"

Catherine Bach in "Crazed" & Kathleen Beller in "The Betsy"

Marilyn Joi in "Nurse Sherri"

Edwige Fenech in "L'insegnante va in collegio" (photo) + "La soldatessa alle grandi manovre" + "L' Insegnante viene a casa"

Irene Miracle in "Midnight Express"

Angela Aames in "Fairy Tales" & Esperanza Roy in "Carne apaleada"

Chantal Westerman in "The Seniors" & Susannah York in "The Shout"


And The Winner For Best Boobs Of The Year Is...
Camille Keaton for "I Spit On Your Grave"



Acceptance Speech: "Wow, thanks a lot for this! Boy, am I glad someone is finally validating all that effort I put into shooting rape scenes for an entire three days. People complain the movie is exploitation and smutty. But how the fuck else are you gonna portray the serial, repetetive rape of an innocent young writer than by having me roll naked in mud for an hour and then take a pair of scissors and cut off the rapists' balls? And I gotta say also, was I pissed that I didn't win this in 1972! My tits were exquisite back then, even perkier than now, so I really panicked I'd never win the Best Tits Oscar, coz time does not do perky tits any justice, you know. I talked to several Academy voters back then, and they told me I must have lost out to Stella by just a hair's length. A pubic hair's length."



1979.

Merima Isakovic in "Jovana Lukina"

Helen Mirren & Adriana Asti in "Caligula"

Katja Bienert in "Schulmadchen vom Treffpunkt Zoo"

Tanja "Fukavela" Boskovic in "Covjek koga treba ubiti"

Edwige Fenech in "La poliziota della squadra del buoncostume" & Pascale Christophe in "Immoral Women"

Donatella Damiani in "La liceale seduce i professori"

Gloria Guida in "L'infermeria" & Constance Money in "10"

Debbie Linden in "Home Before Midnight"

Auretta Gay in "Zombie"

Marilyn Joi in "Cheerleaders Wild Weekend"

Birgit Doll in "Geschichten aus dem Wienerwald" & Elizabeth Halsey in "Cheerleaders Wild Weekend"


Angela Aames in "HOTS" & Deborah Geffner in "All That Jazz"

Eri Kanuma in "Angel Guts: Nami"


Dominique Laffin in "La femme qui pleure"


And The Oscar For Best Melons Goes To...

Lisa London for "HOTS"

Acceptance Speech: "Sorry, Angela, but I get to carry this award home. You have nice tits too, but mine are better. And anyway, we didn't get along so well during the shooting of the movie, and that's coz you're a dumb cunt! No, no. No use shouting, nobody can hear you. I've got the mike, and that means all ears are directed towards me and no-one gives three shits what you're saying, you skank. Trying to win more nude scenes and screen-time by blowing the assistant producer! Just how low can you get, girl? Don't you know that the executive producer is the one to blow if you wanna advance your career? Damn, you're stupid. Anyway, thanks to the Academy of Artistic Tits & Sciences for giving me this fantastic award. I shall cherish it always, and hopefully you guys will award my enormous tits again, when I do another shitty comedy with boobs. Angela, kiss my ass!"


Best Tits Blowscars 1980-1984:


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